Though there’s always moments where my mind goes to the dark place it was last year, for the most part things are alot better now (though improvement of all kinds is needed regardless).
I started to watch random Demi interviews (her voice is really great, bite me) and came across this 20/20 interview. Though I did not self harm heavily, depression has been present in my life almost nonstop since I was 13 or so. I wasn’t too sure why I felt so bleak all the time, even after being happy. I couldn’t understand why I felt lonely.
I was young and after a while I just let the feelings wash over until that was an ever present force; harboring feelings of self-hatred, resenting my parents and lying about horrible things just to be assured that the friends I had cared. They found out… some remained and some left, which is completely understandable even though I regret ever doing what I did. I was reckless and started to harm myself then… not long after, the thoughts of being better off dead started to creep. Even last year was full of them. I recognized these thoughts as suicidal, even if I never acted on them.
And then I did attempt to.
I was drunk so I chalk part of that to the absinthe, but all thoughts come from somewhere. the paramedics who took me to the hospital said that I told them I wished to die.
I guess the reason I’m confessing this (anonymously and online, of course) is because I felt like Demi did for the longest time and then I almost did die. Its pitiful and sad to be stuck in a place like that, but that you’re so blinded by all these negative emotions so that you can’t see how screwed up you are and how much help you need.
I haven’t really told anybody -mostly out of shame. But I plan to, in order to get better so this place is as good a place as any.
I’m really glad that there’s people who use their fame as a platform for something important like this because it really does help. I guess I have alot of respect for Demi now (especially with letting the world know how broken she was) moreso as a person than an artist. I’ll end it there because I feel like an attention whore, but again, I’m glad and I really admire her.